Women are paying $2000 for a “certification” from Marie Kondo that allows them to tell other people how to throw their stuff away and stop living in such a mess. Those achieving top certification status charge as much as $500 plus travel.
This got me thinking….
I will do it for only $25 and a Starbucks gift card.
I’m not KonMari certified, but I stand behind my technique. It is a method that has been handed down for centuries; a method that has been used in homes all around the world.
I call it…The Mom Method.
I will arrive at your home, introduce myself, hug all family members and then proceed through the house, room by room. I will look at the dishes piled in the kitchen, the empty Pop Tart box on the kitchen counter next to the open package of saltines. I will see the coffee stains from your spoon that dot the counter top. I will take in the dirty clothes in the piles and the unmade beds and the bathroom that last saw a thorough cleaning when it was on the market. I will smile at the dresser drawers unable to close, drawers bulging with garments. I will delicately pick my way through a sea of children’s toys that cover every floor in every room.
And after witnessing the house or the apartment or the RV or the tiny home, I will sit down with you. I will take your hand. And with one eyebrow raised, I will tell you very simply…
“You need to pick this sh*t up.”
You will be shocked, as this is not what you were expecting. The words will feel like a slap. This isn’t how Marie Kondo does it, you will say.
No, I’ll explain, it isn’t. But it’s necessary. You are a grown person. You don’t pay money to someone to tell you to eat; you don’t pay someone to tell you to bathe or wear clothes or feed your children, and yet you feel the need to pay someone to walk into your home and tell you to clean up. Hello?
How hard is it to put that Pop Tart box back in the cupboard?
Same with the saltines.
You see the coffee stains left by your spoon-wipe them up.
It takes less than 3 minutes to make a bed. You don’t have 3 minutes in the morning? You spend twice that long just checking Facebook on your phone.
Hey, are you taking your clothes to the river and beating them on a rock? No, you have this new thing called a washing machine that does the work for you. Its cousin, the dishwasher, is found in the kitchen. Soap, press some buttons…done.
Newsflash: if the dresser drawers don’t close, it’s ‘cause you either have too much crap in there, or you just shoved it in there without folding it properly. Figure out which one it is and fix it.
In fact, fix all of it. ‘Cause you KNOW what is wrong; you’ve just been doing it too long and now it’s become habit to be sloppy.
Cut it out.
Pick it up.
Put it away.
And if you don’t, I will come back and do it FOR YOU while you’re gone, and trust me, you won’t like what I throw out.
And then I’ll give you another hug and tell you I love you and give you some cookies.