The Amazon Anti-Dash Buttons

I drink these Vega-One nutrition shakes. I’m not really a nutrition shake person; it’s just that I don’t always have time to eat a good breakfast and vitamins make me nauseous, so the shake takes care of both problems at the same time. (True story, I still have to Google the word “nauseous” every time I type it because I can never remember how to spell it. I’m always sticking an “a” where the “o” should be. This has nothing whatsoever to do with this story; I just wanted to share one of my personal writing failures with you. There are many.)

The nutrition companies call them “shakes,” but any person on the planet who has ever had an actual milkshake, even ONE SIP,  knows that they are a shake in name only. Toddlers that have no problem eating their own boogers would know the difference. I drink them every morning, mixed with almond milk, frozen strawberries and a banana to try to liven up the taste, but not once have I ever had to remind myself that I am not, actually, drinking a shake. I have never lifted that glass to my mouth, taken a sip, and then looked around my kitchen in disbelief that it was not a malt shop.

“Oh…my…God…I’m still in my kitchen! And what do you mean, this isn’t an actual chocolate milkshake? It tastes JUST LIKE IT. Is this some sort of sorcery? I refuse to believe that this powdered somewhat chocolate tasting thing in my glass is not, NOT a milkshake.”

No. That has never happened.

But still, I drink them and try to convince myself that I am healthier for it. The nutritional label says that I am, so I’m going with that.

The DH has also started drinking the Vega-One “shakes,” (they haven’t fooled him, either) which means that my tub of shake powder is being depleted at twice the normal rate, which also means I have to buy it at twice the normal rate. Whole Foods sells Vega-One, and I’m very glad they do, but it sells for about $20 more than buying the product on Amazon. I’m a big believer in buying local, but that’s a pretty huge discount, and since I’m also a big believer in saving money on commodity items, I buy my Vega-One through Amazon.

And while having the product arrive on my doorstep in two days is a lovely feature, what is even a better feature is the Amazon Vega-One Dash button.

Now, I had heard of these buttons; they are small plastic buttons paired with your Amazon account, buttons that you affix to a place in your home, each emblazoned with the name of a household product. The idea is such that you place the Dash button next to the item in your house (ie. The “Tide Dash Button” next to the washing machine) so that when you run out of that particular product, you have but to push the button and a new order will go winging it’s way via the WiFi highway to Amazon.

What I wasn’t prepared for is how much freaking fun using these buttons can be.

I have a Vega-One button. It sits in the pantry below the Vega-One tub of shake powder. And my hand to God, I can not wait to run out of chocolate shake powder so I can press it.

It’s become an event. As the tub starts to deplete, I find myself waking up in the morning and hoping that this will be the day I go downstairs to make my nutrition shake that isn’t really a shake and find I’m running dangerously low, and need to order more.

“Oh my God…yes. Yes. YES! The Vega-One is low. I can see the bottom of the tub. OMG….I’M PRESSING THE DASH BUTTON!”

It is a thing of great excitement. I stand in my pantry, press the button, and watch as the yellow light indicates my order is being sent. I run to my phone to find the confirmation and delivery date ALREADY THERE. It’s a well coordinated miracle of technology.

This is like NASA stuff, people.

And I started thinking how great it would be if everything in life came with a Dash Button, and then I started thinking how even MORE great it would be if Amazon made Dash Buttons for the things we DON’T want:

Anti-Dash Buttons: Buttons for the things that bother you on a regular basis; things you would like to be rid of in two days. Well, provided you have Amazon Prime.

The Anti-Dash Telemarketer Button.

The Anti-Dash Neighborhood Dog Who Craps on My Lawn Button

The Anti-Dash Email Spam Button

The Anti-Dash Friend Who Always Disagrees with Everything You Say Button

The Anti-Dash Exercise Button

The Anti-Dash Business Instagram Filled with Selfies Button

The Anti-Dash MLM Marketing Button

The Anti-Dash No Refunds Button

Upon pressing the Anti-Dash Button, I don’t know where these things would go TO, exactly: a desert island, a cave, space… but I don’t really need to know. I would leave that up to the genius minds at Amazon. It would be enough just to know that with a push of a button, I could both get my Vega-One shake powder, or…make grasshoppers disappear.



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