A Royal Application

Dear Queen Elizabeth,

I understand there is an opening in the royal family and I would like to humbly submit my application. Although I have no formal royal training, I do have a set of unique qualifications that I feel make me suited to the position.
I have outlined them below:

I have my own wand and tiara.

I love fish and chips.

Unlike others, I am not judging the whole Charles/Camilla thing. They seem really happy and who am I to say boo over their relationship? I mean, I don’t understand it, but I also don’t understand people who love kale. If you’re cool with it, I’m cool with it.

I have watched every episode of “Downton Abbey” AND the Great British Bake Off. Oh, and National Lampoons European Vacation. “Look kids. Parliament. Big Ben.”

Two words: Mary Poppins. I can quote the entire movie by heart.

I have been told on more than one occasion that I am “a ROYAL pain in the ass.”

My dog is a YORKSHIRE terrier.

I have zero problem receiving royal funds to attend dinners, lunches, receptions and garden parties. Pay me to eat? Heck, yeah! Also, I LOVE wild hats. Excuse me, “Fascinators.” See? I’m already good with the lingo.

I know how to do that sideways wave thing.

And last but not least…

I have been known to say, “Who died and made YOU king?” quite often.

I humbly thank you for your consideration.