A Letter of Complaint from Her Majesty, The Queen

(Please Note: I can neither confirm nor deny this letter was sent.  I personally think the portrait is marvelous, but I’ve been called “Old School,” so what do I know?)

Dear Annie Leibovitz,

I am writing in regards to the most recent photographs taken of me for my 90th birthday. I shan’t delve into all of them, but I feel it only right to make mention of my disappointment in the portrait of myself and the children: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/apr/21/queen-family-portrait-grandchildren-90th-birthday#img-1

Annie, this is NOTHING like what I emailed you from Pinterest. Furthermore, one is hard pressed to even find stuff like this on Pinterest so I’m not certain as to where you even came up with this idea. (Yes, I did just use the word “stuff.” I realize “stuff” is not befitting of a Queen’s vocabulary, but I am quite miffed and it just slipped out.)

There are many busy streets in London, Annie; we could have all held hands in a crosswalk while the light was red.
We could have donned capes, gone to “Platform 9 3/4” and created a themed “Harry Potter” stylized shoot.
We have a lovely countryside and the castle has no shortage of couches–do you see where I’m going with this?
Prince George was so looking forward to being held upside down by his ankles while we all laughed.

But we didn’t get any of that, Annie; ergo, my disappointment.

To begin with, there is so much detail in this portrait. Nothing in the background is blurry. Nothing. My personal secretary said, “Don’t worry about what’s behind you. It will all go…oh, what was the word she used…ah, yes: FUZZY.” And yet, it’s crisp and clear. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have dusted.

Secondly, there are shadows on our faces. Shadows. As in, one side of the face is brighter than the other. How could you allow this to happen? I expected my face to match the color of my hair, Annie. Again, Pinterest should have told you that.

Thirdly, a watermark was placed in the bottom left corner of the image. It features a copyright symbol, the year, and your name. Why should it have YOUR name if it’s MY picture? It’s a bold and presumptuous move. In years past, I could have sent you to The Tower for this.

And lastly, was it that difficult to secure 5 tutus for the girls? WHERE ARE THE TUTUS, ANNIE?

I suppose at this point, there is nothing left to do. It was a nightmare getting us all together to begin with, so it is what it is. You don’t get to 90 years old without learning to let go of much. At least I have birthday cake to look forward to.

That being said, I hope it was made clear to you that although this image was created to commemorate my 90th birthday, a moment that shall only come once-a moment marked in history for all of time, I don’t want any prints.

All I will require is a jpg. I have an app on my phone I’ve been waiting to use.

Thank you.

Queen Elizabeth


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