I woke up this morning and had a funny but motivational post running through my mind. One of those posts where I fly downstairs, pour coffee into my body as quickly as possible, and start typing.
I got as far as the second sentence and I stopped. And I wrote this one, instead. Because staying positive is exhausting on social media. I think it’s time I hopped on the bandwagon and started getting offended at everything, even those posts that were never intended to cause offense. I’ve wasted too much time already.
So for all of you on social media, I’ve got some stuff to say:
PHOTOS OF YOUR DOGS: How dare you. You post images of your dog lying in the lap of luxury on the couch or curled up on your bed or, playing at a park, or, and this is the one that gets me, eating PEOPLE FOOD and you do this without thinking of the thousands of pets that don’t have a home and will be euthanized before you are done even reading this sentence. It’s like you get some perverse pleasure from showing how your pet isn’t dead. The insensitivity is staggering.
POSTS AND PHOTOS FROM RESTAURANTS: Well, lahdee-frickin’-dah…you went to a restaurant. That is SO hurtful to people with severe food allergies for whom eating out could land them in the Emergency Room. Do you have any idea how painful it is to see your damn creme brûlée when someone is suffering from lactose intolerance? And let’s not even get into how many chickens and cows had to live in captivity so you could sit there proudly holding up your dessert. A dessert with fruit on the top, fruit that was grown in an area where insecticide was used. My god, you hate bees. And when you show off your steak dinner? All I see is the smiling face of a happy cow murderer.
POSTS ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN: I have no uterus. So thanks a lot for reminding me of that.
POSTS AND PHOTOS FROM YOUR VACATION: You took a trip in February to a place that is beautiful; a tropical place with lots of sun and warm water. You showed pictures of fruity drinks with umbrellas in them. Oh, look at you laughing in the sun. You know who’s NOT laughing—people in CANADA. And Minnesota. And Montana. And <insert other cold states here> No, they aren’t laughing because they don’t have to time laugh because they are busy bundling themselves up against the frozen tundra they call HOME. They are shoveling driveways and worrying how they are going to keep their fingers and toes from falling off from freaking frostbite. I see you packed swimsuits, shorts and sunglasses for your trip, but you know what you didn’t pack? SENSITIVITY.
PHOTOS OF YOU CELEBRATING ANY RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY: We get it. You celebrate Christmas. And you post about it on social media. Sometimes you include photos of your decorations. You post them so people can see a picture of your Christmas tree but what they really see is the unspoken message of “We celebrate the birth of Jesus.” To a pagan or atheist, that’s the equivalent of the Salem Witch Trials. They think that YOU and your icicle lights are coming for them. Does your insensitivity know no bounds? You see a tree and lights; many people see a woman screaming in flames. You say “Merry Christmas” without even thinking about it. How dare you celebrate Jesus when other people don’t? It’s like you feel some sort of right to share your faith. And don’t EVEN get me started on Easter. That pain might even run deeper.
OPINIONS: You have no right to your opinion, since EVERYONE doesn’t share it. I’m offended I even have to explain this.
PHOTOS OF YOUR STARBUCKS CUP WITH YOUR NAME WRITTEN ON IT: Well isn’t that nice—you showed a photo of your newly acquired drink from Starbucks with your name written on the cup: Amy, Joy, Susan…but what about all of the Aimieees, Joieees, and Soozinns? What about them? Is it not painful enough that they NEVER had a license plate for the back of their bike? Do we now have to subject them to more hurtful misspellings at the hand of a careless barista? When you show your perfect name it’s like the Soozins of the world don’t matter. THINK, people.
There’s really a whole lot more to get offended about, but I don’t have time right now to continue. If you wish the list was longer, then you are clearly not considerate of my time and the things going on in my life and you have made this list all about yourself and what YOU want not taking my feelings into consideration and, quite frankly…
(Note: If you like this post, please do not respond with a heart emoji. My dad had heart issues when I was in middle school and when I see that little red heart after a post, it makes me think of nitroglycerin pills. I don’t know why you don’t realize that.)