Kelly Clarkson and John Legend have released a revised version of “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” re-writing the classic lyrics many suddenly found offensive. Now, that song has always been one of my favorites, which got me to thinking about all the other holiday songs with questionable lyrics and insensitive undertones that we might need to either ban or re-write. The list is long, because offense is found everywhere, but I’ve honed in on a few that really need to be addressed right away:
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: Glorifies alcoholism and promotes abuse of the elderly
The Twelve Days of Christmas: Partridges, turtledoves, french hens, geese, swans and whatever a colly/calling bird is…add them up and there are 23 birds in that Christmas Carol. Who has room for 23 birds? There is no way one can adequately care for that many birds and without proper care, most of those birds are going to die. DIE. To suggest that birds make a good gift is like giving puppies for Christmas and rabbits for Easter. THINK, people.
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire: How lovely…if you’re not ALLERGIC TO NUTS.
“Oh Come, All Ye Faithful:” So, let me get this straight…only the faithful can come to Bethlehem? If you have strayed from your faith or question things at times you’re not allowed to show up at the manger OR adore Him? Oh…you Christians.
“Blue Christmas:” The holidays are a horrible time for depression. Thanks for reminding us of that, “Blue Christmas.”
“Do You Hear What I Hear?” Probably not…CAUSE I’M DEAF IN ONE EAR. I mean, really.
“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus:” The suggestion of infidelity in order to get gifts. Great. This song basically green lights prostitution during the holidays. Why not call it what it actually is: “I Saw Mommy Being a Whore.”
I think the only safe Christmas song is “Jingle Bells,” but only the version sung by dogs.
Oh wait. Dog labor. PETA.
Happy Holidays, everyone!